Down With Kurt!
by psychoticbookgirl
Summary: Basically a mish-mash of stuff about that FREAK OF NATURE: Kurt! MAJOR spoilers for book 7. Only read if you are not pro-Kurt. If you ARE pro-Kurt, maybe you should read this! It'll do ya good! Just don't expect anything nice. It's bad, but I hate Kurt.
1. Ch1: Kurt Equals Evil

The (Probably) First Ever Anti-Kurt Fanfic!!!!!

As seen in the forum "Will Ian and Amy be together?"

By PBG. With some help from the characters in the 39 Clues. (If you don't know who PBG is, it's ME. I only write it in every story, review, forum, etc... And if you don't know what the 39 Clues are, you are in the wrong place, bub. Now go get me some bacon.)

This is under "humor" because I'm PBG, and "crime" because if you put Kurt and PBG in the same room that room would probably end up a CRIME scene.

Summary: Basically a mish-mash of stuff about that FREAK OF NATURE: Kurt! MAJOR spoilers for book 7. Only read if you are not pro-Kurt. (If you ARE pro-Kurt, maybe you should read this! It'll do ya good!) Just don't expect anything nice about him.

I expect this to be a few chapters long at most, with a few "Parts" in each chapter. The "Parts" will consist of anything about Kurt, interviews, short stories, and other random things. If you have any ideas or input feel free to review or PM me. 

I don't own anything related to the 39 Clues. Do you? If you do, fear for your life.

Okay, Part One: The reason why PBG dislikes Kurt so much:

Once upon a time there was a sort-of-little-ish girl named [PBG]. PBG led a nice, happy, normal life reading the 39 Clues and writing amazingly hilariating stories on Fanfiction dot net. (Just kidding, I'm really not that funny.) Until one day, she got her hands on the seventh book, hoping for an adventurous story with some Ian and Amy action. Boy was SHE surprised when they threw in a new love interest: KURT.

Kurt was pretty much the boy every girl dreams about. He was kind, he liked all the things Amy did, he was funny, he wasn't Ian Kabra, he wasn't trying to kill her, oh, and he had the singing voice of an ANGEL. (An angel that PBG will soon push over the side of a large mountain...) So of course Amy fell in love instantly.

PBG was smoked. (Almost like bacon!) She threw the book at a wall (Which her brother, owner of the book, was not too thrilled about.) and screamed. Well, she screamed in her head. That was when she was at the airport. Had she screamed she probably would have been carted off to juvy...

Anyway, Kurt's disgusting perfection was so infuriating that PBG decided to write nasty things about him on the internet, tarnishing his image forever.

Too bad he isn't a real person, huh?

Part Two: Brief interview with Dan Cahill.

PBG began to speak. "Hello America and other more exotic places. I am here today to interview Mr. Daniel Cahill, brother of Amy, the poor soul who fell for our subject of discussion: Kurt. So Dan," she turned to face a young man wearing a ninja costume. "How do you feel about_ Kurt_?"

Dan wasn't listening. He was too busy playing his Nintendo DS. PBG tapped him on the shoulder. "NINJA!" he yelped. Then he became aware of his surroundings. "Whoa, uh, sorry. What was the question?"

PBG repeated the question.

"Oh yeah, yeah. He's cool. Real nice dude. Amy really likes him." Dan nodded.

"And how do you feel, that your sister is infatuated with this boy?"

"Well," he started. "Anyone's better than Ian Cobra. He's kind of really evil and it's very likely that he is plotting to take over the earth. Or Hamilton. He's a meathead."

"I thought he saved her?" PBG asked.

"Oh he did! But he's still a meathead."

"Ah."

"Can I get back to my DS? I was about to beat the level." he said stupidly.

"Well. If you must. Since that electronic device is FAR more important than a teensy little interview," PBG replied icily.

"Cool, thanks dude." The boy clapped PBG on the back, and eyes on the screen, walked away.

I'm too out of it to do any more right now, but stay tuned next time for....

AN INTERVIEW WITH SALADIN

PBG DISSING KURT EVEN MORE

LOTS OF OTHER CRAP

Author's Note: Yeah. It was bad. Sorry for the badness, but I couldn't really think of anything better. Which is why you should REVIEW and give me YOUR IDEAS! YEAH! YOU! Like, RIGHT NOW! You see the button! Don't pretend it's not there! If you don't click it, then it will sit there, sad and alone, for all eternity. You must make sure it can serve its purpose in life! CLICK IT!

I need some bacon.


	2. Ch2: I Roast You On Stick

DOWN WITH KURT! Chapter 3

Okay, a lot of you guys voted for this one in my poll in A Tale of the 39 Clues. (Ugh. That's a bad name. Any ideas for a better one?) So here it is.

Part 1 - Interview with Saladin

"So Saladin," PBG said. "You're a close, personal friend of Amy's, am I correct?"

"Mrrp." Saladin purred.

"Ah, yes. You're a cat." PBG scrunched her face, thinking. "YO! TECHIE!" A scrawny boy of about PBG's age scurried over, hunched in fear.

"Y-yes, P-P-PBG?" he whimpered.

"THAT'S PSYCHOTICBOOKGIRL TO YOU, NORM!" she barked. Saladin hissed. "Oh, sorry Saladin." She turned back to Norm. "Yeah, Norm, I need something that will make Saladin speak human."

"Y-yes, Psych-choticbookgirl. Right away, m-m-ma'am."

"DON'T CALL ME MA'AM! I'M IN MIDDLE SCHOOL!"

"Y-yes, o-of c-c-course," he trembled as he walked away.

"Ha, it's fun to scare Norm," PBG sighed in delight. "Ah, what joy it brings the soul." She stopped talking because the techie was approaching.

"Here, psy-psych-choticb-b-bookgirl." He gingerly gave her a small device like a dog collar, and gave a wobbly bow as he retreated.

"Here we are." PBG said, snapping the collar on Saladin's neck. "So Saladin, what do you think about Kurt?"

"Aku memanggang kalian semua pada tongkat!!" Saladin's translator shouted.

"Um... it's not yet on English... here Sal, have some snapper while I figure this gadget out." PBG said.

"Snapper? Aku tidak ingin kakap! Aku ingin bacon! Terbuat dari babi! AKU AKAN SENDIRI SEMUA BACON!"

"Oh yeah, it's on Indonesian... that's not good..." She scratched her head. "Oh! Bingo!" She pressed a button clearly labeled 'English'. "Hey buddy, can you repeat what you just said?"

"I bake you all on a stick! And... Snapper? I do not want big fish! I want bacon! Made from pork! I WILL OWN ALL BACON!" a computerized voice came from the device.

PBG was quite sure she saw him froth at the mouth, but didn't say anything in order to avoid offending him even further.

"Ahem. Anyway, how do you feel about Kurt and Amy?"

"Kurt and Aaayy-meee?" the voice came again. "I DO NOT LIKE KURT AND AY-MEE! KURT AND AY-MEE WILL DIE! KURT IS NINCOMPOOP! DIE, KURT, DIE! DIE DIE DIE!"

"Well, you heard it from the one who knows best!" PBG declared as Saladin ran around the interview room screaming, "DIE!"

"DIE! DIE! Die! Diiiiiiiiiieee.... ..." The machine appeared to have overheated and began omitting strange sizzling noises. Saladin shook it off his head and scurried away. The device burst into flames.

"Uh... well..." PBG said while trying to get a spart off of her sweatshirt. "NORM! I NEED SOME HELP!" She smiled apprehensively. "That's all folks! Heh... heh..."

--END OF TRANSMISSION--

Part 2 - PBG plots Kurt's death

WAYS KURT CAN DIE, SECTION 1-- DEATH BY FOOD

In which PBG finds ways to kill Kurt with food

-- We feed him hamburgers until he becomes obese and dies of heart failure.

Pros: He dies. He is fat and unattractive to Amy. He will be unable to sing.

Cons: Hamburgers are good, so he wouldn't suffer enough. Not a slow death.

-- We make a bar of chocolate, but infuse it with Purell so he'll be poisoned and die!

Pros: He dies.

Cons: Not a slow death. Not entirely unpleasant unless Purell tastes disgusting.

-- We take him to McDonald's and make him eat three Big Macs.

Pros: He dies. It is unpleasant.

Cons: It is unpleasant to watch. It is a relatively fast death.

-- We make it so that whatever he eats for the rest of his life will taste like anchovies.

Pros: He suffers deeply.

Cons: He doesn't necessarily DIE. Not slow death.

-- We roll him in [insert what hotdogs are made of here] and give him to Oscar Mayer to make the best Oscar Mayer Weiner ever.

Pros: He will taste good. (CANNIBALISM!) He dies.

Cons: Are there any?

~D~I~E~K~U~R~T~

Screamattheskyx3, your e-mail idea was pretty good, so I'll use it! Ahem:

If anyone has anything they would like to say to Kurt, about Kurt, or anything that you feel I could use in this story, please make a part of review separate from the others. (Press Enter twice or make some sort of divider?) Title this "To: Kurt-is-Crap at ". I will find some way to incorporate ALL of them into the story! Yeah! Woo!

Peace, Love, Bacon.


	3. Ch3: A Note, Hatemail, and Death

DOWN WITH KURT!

Chapter 3

* * *

I.

A Note From PBG

* * *

To All:

So many people have asked me, "Why hate on Kurt?" (Usually that phrase is spelled wrong and incorrectly punctuated.)

Why do I hate Kurt so passionately? Well, I've already told you. _He is too perfect. _Have you ever met a fourteen-year-old male who is kind, thoughtful, respectful, caring, and a zillion other nice adjectives? He freaking _sings_. Most boys I know who are that age still think that farts are hilarious.

_Pfflbbtt. _

Boy: Oh. Hahaha.

But NO. Kurt will not laugh at the fart! He will sit there and act _wholesome_.

Stupid wholesome Kurt.

So now all you people who continue to ask me why I hate Kurt so much, (even though I believe I've explained it well enough umpteen times) have no reason to keep on pestering me with your KurtQuestions.

* * *

II.

Kurt's Hatemail

* * *

"HEY! NORM! WHERE IS MY BACON!" PBG calls to someone off the screen. Once she realized she was on camera, she fixes her hair and smiles. "Hello, friends! Welcome to the segment of DOWN WITH KURT! where Kurt reads all his hatemail! Yay! Come on in, Kurt!"

Kurt reluctantly enters the room. He is wearing a meatball costume. It is large and lumpy.

"NORM! I TOLD YOU TO PUT HIM IN A BACON COSTUME! NOT_ MEATBALL_!" PBG screeches.

"Th-they were out of b-b-bacon," Norm says timidly from off the screen.

"Oh, Norm," PBG sighs. "Anyways, Kurt, you were forced to come here so that we can abuse you with our words!"

Kurt blinks innocently.

"Fun!" PBG claps her hands. "Now time for your first email!"

_To: __Kurt-Is-Crap (at) website (dot) com_

_From: screamattheskyx3_

_Kurt is fat and unattractive._

_I will someday find you and feed you to a llama. I'll then put the llama in the desert so it won't survive. Then I'll bury the llama with you in a remote part of the world until the end of time. :)_

"Before I reply, I have a question," begins Kurt. "Why do all you people hate me so much? I am lovable!"

"Dude! Didn't you read my message at the top of the page! You dungpoodle!"

"Dungpoodle?" Kurt types out his first reply:

_To: screamattheskyx3_

_From: Kurt_

_I am glad that I may leave the world happily. The llama is one of my favorite animals, although it is wrong to pick favorites. All of God's creatures are equal in His eyes!_

PBG, who is reading over his shoulder, snorts in disgust. "You won't act so nice and innocent when you're drenched in llama saliva. I'm pretty sure that Sky isn't kidding."

Kurt shrugs and reads his next email.

_To: Kurt_

_From: Music4Evah_

_Go die in a hole._

_Yeah. That's it. Have fun!_

He scratches his nose and types out the reply:

_To: Music4Evah_

_From: Kurt_

_I am sorry that I cannot oblige to your wish. Perhaps instead we can get together sometime for tea!_

PBG snorts again. "I know Muse, and she is not going to want to have tea with you. If she does accept your offer, you should watch your back, or there will be some steaming hot beverage poured down it!"

Kurt winces and reads his next email.

_To: Kurt_

_From: Joelle8_

_Killer of love!_

_Ugly- ESPECIALLY COMPARED TO IAN!- and undeserving._

_Retard, plain and simple._

_Too awful for words._

The subject of our tortures looks confused but begins to type:

_To: Joelle8_

_From: Kurt_

_I am slightly befuddled by your words, but I am guessing that those random phrases are about me. If that is the case, then I am sorry that you feel that way about me. Perhaps I could change your mind if you could join Music4Evah and me for tea!_

"Do you think Amy will be happy that you're inviting all these girls to tea?" PBG smirks. "Jo will turn you down as well, anyway. And it's an acrostic poem, not random phrases. Look down the left side. It spells _Kurt_."

"Oh. Okay." He reads the next email.

_To: Kurt~is~Crap_

_From: BaddaBam-xoJenIzHerre_

_-burn him at the stake!(learning about medieval stuff) -behead him!_

_-throw him out a window_

_-poison him_

_-steal Natalie's dart gun and blame it on Kurt...she'll make caviar out of him_

_-push him in a hole and bury him alive( I DID NOT DO THIS TO ANYONE...maybe)_

_Hire someone to shoot him_

_-Hire ME to shoot him_

_-drown him_

_-throw him ina room filled with angry Iamy fans...Don't forget to invite me=) (=^_^=)_

_3, Jennifer_

Looking rather disheartened, Kurt types:

_To: Jennifer_

_From: Kurt_

_I apoligize for whatever I did to deserve your abuse. I hope that we can be great friends! Are you good at singing? Perhaps we can sing together sometime!_

PBG rolls her eyes. "I don't know this girl, but I'm pretty sure she doesn't want to sing with you. Maybe she could sing to you while she is burying you alive in a hole..."

Kurt quickly goes to the next email.

_To: Kurt_

_From: EveryOtherUserNameTaken_

_You should go to a nacho factory, and die a slow painfull death by falling into a large vat of overly heated cheese. There you will burn up and drown at the same time! Mwwhahaha! Then someone eating nachos could eat a melted Kurt! I don't know. It's just an idea._

Kurt types:

_To: EveryOtherUserNameTaken_

_From: Kurt_

_I hope that the nachos that I inhabit will bring joy to many people._

"Dude! How can you find something positive from all this crap!"

He looks blankly at PBG.

"Whatever. Just keep reading," she sighs.

_To: Kurt_

_From: Indigo Nights_

We should get Barney to eat him. AND THEN WE SHOULD EAT BARNEY! MWA HA HA *Indigo Nights starts foaming at the mouth.*

DIE KURT! DIE!

Kurt thinks for a moment before typing this reply:

_To: Indigo Nights_

_From: Kurt_

_I am grateful that you are so concerned with my well-being. In time, I am sure we will be the best of friends!_

PBG stares in bewilderment. "Okay, that one just doesn't make sense."

"May I have a drink of water? I am rather parched." Kurt replies.

"UGH! You are so average!" PBG says with repulsion. She ignores his request and urges him to keep reading.

"I would call Norm," she adds to the camera. "But I would rather see Kurt suffer."

Kurt does not hear this because he is busy reading his next email.

_To: Kurt_

_From: AquaLily1_

Dear Kurt,

You are a stinking piece of crap. Go die in a hole, and let Saladin use his plans! You're just a waste of ink, paper, and talent. You flipping retard! Amy will never love you, you sickening, perfect person. Who cares if you sing like an angel, no one cares! Girls (like me) :D can sing better. GET OVER IT!

Your #1 hater,

AL1

"Well, that just isn't nice!" Kurt says in a hurt voice. His meatball suit oozes with a mysterious goo. Saladin the cat suddenly runs into view and pounces on Kurt with such force that the giant meatball falls down and rolls out the door and down the hall.

"DIE, KURT! DIE DIE DIE!" screams Saladin's automated voice.

PBG shrugs and replies to AquaLily1's email.

_To: AL1_

_From: PBG_

_I'm sorry, but Kurt can't reply to you because Saladin is eating him. (I guess Saladin likes meatballs AND bacon.)_

_Peace out, cub scout!_

PBG yells at Norm to get Saladin off of the meatball. Several minutes later, a bruised and scratched Kurt, wearing a rather beaten up and chewed meatball, stumbles into view.

"No more distractions! You need to finish replying to your hatemail! You wouldn't want to be rude, would you? Get to work!" PBG commands.

"But-" stammers Kurt.

"NO BUTS! GET TO WORK!" PBG screams.

Kurt fearfully reads his next email.

_To: Kurt_

_From: Sun Daughter_

_~D~I~E~K~U~R~T~_

_I really think you should go jump into the hole with the Tomas agents. If PGB gets her hands on you, you're in big trouble. You have no idea what she's plannin'. Just be prepared not to be hot anymore. That is all._

_~Summer_

Kurt smirks and replies:

_To: Sun Daughter_

_From: Kurt_

_So you think I'm hot, do you? Maybe _you_ should join Music4Evah, Joelle8, and me for tea. Would next Saturday work for you?_

PBG bursts out laughing. "HAHAHAHAHHA. Not. Going. To. Happen." She pauses. "HEY! What about Amy! You really are a two-timing jerk!"

"Well, I, uh-" Kurt reddens.

"CAUGHT IN THE ACT! _OH_ YEAH!" PBG does a victory dance around the room. The strange ritual consists of an odd mixture of the Cabbage Patch, the Shopping Cart, and odd disco-ish movements.

"All right, I'll just be reading the next one now..." Kurt says hurriedly.

_To: Kurt-is-Crap_

_From: Soumaya_

_HOW DARE YOU STEAL AMY AWAY FROM IAN! If you touch her or interfere with there relationship you shall die! Muahaha! So beware of me!_

_-A girl who hates you_

Kurt blushes even more and replies:

_To: Soumaya_

_From: Kurt_

_I am sorry to hear you feel that way. However, Ian is a lying scumbag, as I recall, so I shall make no efforts to break it off with Amy. _

_Have a good day!_

PBG stops her victory dance, and upon reading the letter she attempts to slug Kurt in the face. Unfortunately Norm steps in and stops her because she "could be arrested for assault." Kurt smirks. PBG screams. Norm whimpers and shrinks away.

Saladin unexpectedly bursts back onto the screen. "DIIIIIIEEEEEE KUUUURRRRRT!" The meatball is once again thrown onto the floor.

With the screaming Kurt, scratching Saladin, and flustered Norm all zooming around in the background, PBG stands in front of the camera calmly. "Well, that's all, folks!"

END OF TRANSMISSION

* * *

III.

Kurt's Funeral

The day is sunny and the grass is green. A boy named Kurt has died, but no one seems to really care. In fact, in a house nearby, a huge party is being held. Everyone in town is dancing and having a great time. Kurt's body and coffin remain forgotten and untouched. Etched in his gravestone are these words:

_Here lies Kurt_

_Who the heck cares?_

_

* * *

_

Author's Note:

'Kay. So, that was chapter three. I will be the first to admit that it was not my best work... I didn't even really want to continue this story. (It's pretty bad, really.) I wrote this because

1. I haven't updated anything in ages

2. Everyone's been begging me

3. Happy New Year! I didn't write anything for Christmas, so I'm making up for it (kinda) now.

I really didn't mean for it to, but I think that the second part of this kind of turned out like Muse's Deathmail. She'll hate me for that...

Oh yeah, and the "Kurt-is-Crap" thing didn't work out... I forgot about the whole dot problem thing, if you know what I'm talking about... like how you have to write out the "dot net" and all that... whatevs.

Also, if there's a problem with the spacing and italics around the emails, it's because when I am editing this on FFnet the little scroll thingy is working weird.

WHOOP!


End file.
